Friday, September 2, 2011
Where Amy Veers A Little Off the Norm...
The other thing that's getting my goat is -- the Bible thumpers. Now I am a Christian and I do believe and love God. But right now I'm pretty pissed off at him. I tend to couch it in a "I'm not speaking to Him right now" kinda comparison. Down here in the Bible Belt, there's the Blue Law, BBQ, country music, sweet tea, and church on any given day of the week. So yeah, God is a big thing down here, and people here feel it's their duty to express to me that John had a higher calling and there was some reason why God felt it necessary for him to go on and seek greener pastures, as it were, or that "he's in a much better place now". Well, I'm sorry -- I'm not good with that. I am not thrilled that John died at the young age of 46 years old, less than a year after we had gotten married, and we never got to go to England like we'd always dreamt about, or that I won't be able to grow old with him. All of that was taken from me. I won't go off any further about this in this post because I've been thinking about it this evening, and accept that my friends and co-workers mean well with all of this. Maybe it makes them feel like they're doing something by wanting to have prayer with me, or expound on God's plan for us all. But when I tell them that I'm pissed off at Him right now, they act as if I've slapped their child. How dare I?!
But in talking with another friend/co-worker and my mom tonight -- I found out that I'm actually normal; it's ok to get pissed off. How scary is that? As a kid, I used to be petrified of the idea of getting mad at God because, uh yeah, he could get mad right back at me and that might not be so pretty. And what's weird is that when I read that the anger stage of grief is one of the processes, I felt like it meant that I would be angry with John for up and dying on me. I never knew that the anger would extend to those who are doing nothing more than wanting to see me get better. People want to help, and sometimes this is the only way they can.
SO...having said all that. The point of this post, if I ever had one, was...damn, I'm glad I'm on medication right now.