Thursday, August 11, 2011

One Is A Lonely Number

This morning I logged onto the computer and clicked on the link for my blog.  I looked at the date of my last post and wish I could say, "wow -- weeee, where has the time gone?", desperately wishing that the reason I haven't posted was because I was having a helluva summer.  But honestly, the past two months have gone by in a dazed blur, an 'awake nightmare', if you will.  The past two months, frankly this entire summer, have been hell...not 'helluva'. 

I lost my husband, John, on July 24th, just shy of three weeks ago.  I don't wish to say anything further about that other than it's obviously been the most painful time in my life thus far.

During John's month-long hospitalization, I went a little crazy with trying to stay positive and strong for him, trying to understand what the doctors were/weren't saying and having a hard time with my gnawing fear of losing him.  Now that that has become a reality, I'm trying to get back into life and learn to get along.  Right now it's not easy being "just Amy", instead of half of the dynamo-team, "Amy and John". 

I've tried dipping my toes back into the reading waters and while it's difficult to concentrate at times, it's something that I can use to while away an hour or two.  The shitty part is that I still use my "retail therapy" tactics to pep myself up by buying a couple of ebooks for my Nook.  During the last couple of weeks while my mom was still here (she stayed with me for a month and a half, almost from the beginning of John's stay at the hospital), I've dabbled in housework, trying to stay busy, chores, and the load of legal crap that's involved with someone's death.  My massive TBR collection has been moved around -- seriously, it took four of us to take 2/3 of it and put in the office -- and now I'm at a loss as to how to sort through and weed it.  But it needs to be done.  Now I don't have to worry about the bedroom floor collapsing downstairs onto my neighbors head from the massive weight.

I started this post feeling a bit, I don't know, lost.  And trust me, the sadness and sense of "what do I do now?" can be crippling more often than not -- but now I have a game plan for at least today.  Go through the damned books.  It's not getting done on its own, and I think John is asserting his ghostly self by toppling a couple of stacks over as I've wandered about the house this morning.            


Lori said...

Oh my goodness, I am so very sorry for your loss, Amy. I don't know what else to say except know that your online community of friends is here for you.

I hope that you will be able to remember all the wonderful times you and John had, and that those memories will bring you comfort in the future, if not now.

Thinking of you...

Wendy said...

I can not tell you how ridiculously happy I am to see you online Amy. Just reiterating what Lori already said - know that there are many of us online who adore you and who have been thinking of you these last several weeks/months.

Now, as for TBR weeding advice? Girl, I got tons of it! Instead of clogging up your comments, I'll e-mail you :)

Amy said...

I think I love you guys. I needed to smile tonight, and now it's y'all's fault. Thank you.

nath said...

OMG, Amy!! I had no idea! I am so so so sorry about your loss T_T

I'm glad to know you were not alone to go through this.

The only advice for the TBR pile is be ruthless. If there's only a slim chance that it will be read, bye bye.

Leslie said...

I'm so very sorry Amy. The words seem so inadequate but they come from the heart. Just know you are not alone and you have a lot of online friends here for you. (((hugs)))

Going through the TBR pile can be daunting, believe me I know. :)

Maybe set yourself a daily/weekly goal of X number of books to go through. Nothing too overwhelming but enough that it gives you a sense of accomplishment.

CindyS said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss - I can't even imagine.

I hope you continue to find a plan each day to keep you moving forward.


Holly said...

Oh Amy, how terrible. Ditto what Wendy and Lori said. My thoughts are with you! Please don't hesitate to email me if want another ear or if you need anything.

TBR piles..ugh. Good luck with that.