A (Lengthy) Look At January and February

It occurred to me that, while I've been doing a ton of reading, I've not been talking much about it.  In fact, in the past two months I think I've read more than I have in many years.  Trust me, it's so much easier to read about fictional characters and their troubles, romances, happiness, or sordid details in life than it is for me to focus on the changes in my life the past seven months.  My counselor says it's more a way of ignoring what I'm going through than anything, but I disagree.  It's been a sort of therapy for me, and it's free since I have a veritable bookstore to choose from in my own house.

While I haven't been truly keeping track of my reads, I have a loose list of the books I've finished.  In February, it seems that I picked up many books by tried and true favorites of mine from past years: Linda Howard and Lisa Gardiner are two that come to mind.

 

v     The Eleventh Victim by Nancy Grace, 2009, Hyperion.  If I’m thinking right, this was the first fictional legal thriller by the popular CNN news personality, and it’s the first in a series, which features lawyer-turned-psychologist Hailey Dean.  In it, Hailey, a burned-out criminal prosecutor flees her high profile career in Atlanta for Manhattan where she opens her own counseling practice to help victims in another way, other than criminals in court.  Unfortunately, her last case as a prosecutor landed her an enemy who is not just intent on repaying her for the justice she won in court, but he won’t stop until she’s dead.  Half-decent thriller, a bit dry here and there, but worth the read if you’re a fan of Nancy Grace.  I’m glad I have the second book, Death On the D-List, because I think this is a promising series if you’re into the whole Law & Order thing.  Fortunately, I am, even if I desperately miss Chris Meloni on L&O: SVU.

v     Mesmerizing Stranger by Jennifer Greene, 2010, Silhouette Romantic Suspense.  No need to wax prosaic since you can read my thoughts on this book right here.

v     The Diamond Slipper by Jane Feather, 1997, Bantam.  I used to adore anything by Jane Feather, and now I remember why.  To borrow one of Wendy’s descriptions of one of her fave authors, Feather writes saga-like romances that are many readers’ favorite lists.  First in the Charm Bracelet trilogy, The Diamond Slipper features Cordelia Brandenburg, a childhood friend of Marie Antoinette, as she adjusts to her arranged marriage with a lesser prince in order to accompany her dear friend to France for her own wedding to the French dauphin.  Unfortunately, the fiesty Cordelia falls for her proxy husband, Viscount Leo Kierston, before even meeting her own husband.  A meaty book with all the bells and whistles that first got me jonesing for romance fiction way back in the day, I read it fairly quickly despite the tiny print and 389 pages.

v     Ready by Lucy Monroe, 2005, Kensington.  Another first-in-a-series by the popular Monroe, this was a first for me as well since I’d never read any of the author’s books.  Author Lise Barton is being stalked and doesn’t know who to trust.  Fortunately, Joshua Watt is available for self-appointed protection and detection detail.  It’s too bad that he wants to get Lise in the sack and work his attraction for her out in a mutually satisfying manner.  Lise’s too gun-shy to indulge, and scared for her life, but reluctantly agrees to Joshua’s methods of nailing the guy who is making her life hell.  Pretty straight forward, nice and steamy, a solid intro to a series that—get this—I have the rest of on my TBR.

v     Killing Time by Linda Howard, 2005, Ballantine.  This book, this book, made me go, WTF?  Very X-Files-ish, but all-in-all, I read it in a day, despite my reaction to throwing time travel into the mix.  I mean, Linda Howard writes some of the best suspense in my opinion (even though I haven’t lurved all of her books), but...time travel???  What the what??  Review coming soon because, seriously, I have to get this out of my system.  Not that the book sucked (it was actually pretty good), but why’d she go and do that??

v     Kiss Me While I Sleep by Linda Howard, 2004, Ballantine.  This is the type of book I’m used to from my girl, Linda.  And I loved it.  Enough said, again—I’ll have to review it soon.

v     Gone by Lisa Gardner, 2006, Bantam.  It must’ve been my month for suspense, and I’m so glad it was.  Because once I finished this one up, I had Gardner’s newest, Catch Me, waiting on me at the library.  Pierce Quincy has to put his knack for criminal profiling when his wife, Rainie Conner, goes missing.  It doesn’t help that Rainie and he had just recently separated, which initially puts him in the hot seat as a possible person of interest in her disappearance.  It’s soon evident that Rainie didn’t go willingly and Quincy must try to best someone with their own agenda.  I used to books in a series in order, but lately it’s become too much for me to go and try to find them in my TBR, so I am satisfied with reading out of order.  Gone is another stellar Gardner book with Kimberly Quincy and her lover, Mac, coming in for the assist on this case, and it reads splendidly on its own.

v   Which leads me to, Catch Me by the same, 2012, Dutton.  This is another series by Gardner that I love, D.D. Warren.  D.D.’s now a new mom, and recently back on the job after her maternity leave.  She loves what she does, but anticipates going home every night to see the new love in her life, baby Jack.  The case she catches her first day back will probably call for lots of nights with little to no sleep, though.  Charlene Rosalind Carter Grant snags D.D.’s attention at a crime scene and calmly states that she will more than likely die on January 21^st, about a week away.  How is D.D. supposed to investigate a case that has no body yet?  After a little bit of research, she sees that Charlie’s dilemma could be substantiated by the fact that her two best friends had died on that same exact date in the past two years.  Could Charlie be the lucky third one?  Excellent book that I read in one day, people, it’s that good.  I also loved that Ms. Gardner brought back several characters from many of her books, including J.T. Dillon from The Perfect Husband, which was the first book I ever read by this author. 

v     A Lady Awakened by Cecilia Grant, 2012, Bantam.  This was a debut, and I’ve been promising myself that I’d start tackling (among many others) some of the newer books.  To date, I’ve actually read three March 2012 books (as well as one or two others)!  Go, me!  Anyway,  A Lady Awakened began of a bit..hmm, I don’t know, darker in tone?  But it’s more than that, what with widow, Martha Russell, realizing that, upon her husband’s death, she may very well lose her home to her brother-in-law if she’s not pregnant with an heir.  Martha’s not only desperate to keep the house but to also continue with her plans to begin a school for the property’s laborers’ children.  She comes up with a harebrained idea to take on her neighbor, Theophilus Mirkwood, as a lover in the hopes that he can give her a baby boy.  Theo would be crazy to say no to an arrangement and he plans on enjoying Martha as long as she’s willing.  However, this is not an affair to Martha, but a serious endeavor and one she will not allow herself to take any pleasure from.  I wasn’t prepared to love this book, but I wound up doing so.  Some say that you can’t change a person in a relationship, but both Martha and Theo bettered themselves each and touched a place in my heart. 

v     To Seduce A Sinner by Elizabeth Hoyt, 2008, Grand Central Publishing.  Second book in The Legend of the Four Soldiers series, To Seduce A Sinner was even better than its predecessor, To Taste Temptation.  Melisande Fleming essentially proposed to Jasper Renshaw, Viscount Vale, when he’s jilted on his wedding day.  And so they’re wed.  While Melisande had nearly worshiped her husband for many years already, it’s a deeper love she feels as she gets to know him.  But he’s hiding something, while at the same time she guards her heart from him to avoid being emotionally hurt.  Another winner from an author who, in the two books I’ve read by her, has rocketed to my fave authors list.

v     Down the Darkest Road by Tami Hoag, 2011, Dutton.  I LOVE this series that is set in California during the 80’s and features Sheriff’s detective Tony Mendez, FBI profiler Vince Leone and his wife, Anne.  It’s a loosely tied series, with the first two books, Secrets to the Grave and Deeper Than the Dead, being more closely related than the third.  In DTDR, Lauren Lawton is still trying to cope with her 16-year-old daughter’s disappearance in Santa Barbara, and she’s not doing a very good job of it.  The cops had gone cold, with one suspect they could never prove, but Lauren still does what she can, desperately, to keep them searching for her daughter, even badgering the detectives and press.  Now she’s moved to Oak Knoll with her younger daughter for a fresh start.  But that ends when she encounters the man the Santa Barbara police had fingered as the main suspect in the Lawton girl’s disappearance.  Step in Tony Mendez.  As a detective in Oak Knoll, he’s seen some pretty gruesome cases, and while Lauren comes across as desperate, he can’t help his concern when she says that the man who took her daughter is in his town.  Fabulous fabulous series!  Enough said.

v     Wedded In Scandal by Jade Lee, 2012, Berkley Sensation.  This is my reintroduction as a reviewer for Romance Reviews Today, so a review will be forthcoming there this month.  I will say this—definitely a great start to a new series!

           

     

  

The Perfect Liar: TBR Challenge/February

Yeah, yeah, I'm late posting my TBR Challenge review again.  I have only my procrastination and ridiculously busy work thing to blame; that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  However, I did have the thing read well before the third Wednesday of the month -- does that count?

I mentioned over on Wendy's blog that the book I chose was one that would be more apt for next month's challenge, 'Catch Up On a Series', but I'm sure Brenda Novak's The Perfect Liar was recommended to me by someone, somewhere, along the way, so...thhhp!  Next month, I'll do the reverse and read a recommended book, possibly Broken Wing by Judith James (a book cherished by KristieJ), or jump on the bandwagon and read a Laura Lee Guhrke classic (what the what was up with that in February?  Like, everyone read Conor's Way!).

The Perfect Liar is the fifth book in the author's Last Stand series, and now that I've completed this one, I have one book left (The Perfect Murder) to finish up the six-book series!  In all honesty, it's been so long since I read the first three that details have fled my brain, but the books all center The Last Stand, a victims' advocate charity run by three friends.  The Perfect Liar features Ava Bixby, a victim's advocate for TLS, and starts off with her taking on victim, Kalyna Harter, after she's been assaulted by her commanding officer, Luke Trussell.  Luke answers his door late one night to two officers and a formal accusation of rape.  Luke might not have been using the right brain the night he slept with Kalyna, and it's something he's not proud of nor wants to relive in the limelight of formal police or military procedure.  'Thinking' and 'alcohol' are two words that do not jive in a sentence, let alone in the way of common sense.  Luke's always felt that Kalyna had more than a passing crush on him, but he could never put his finger on just what made him uneasy about her.  Now he's finding out just how far she'll go to get what she wants.

Cue Ava and her role as Kalyna's advocate as they begin to navigate the emotional devastation of rape in the first degree.  During their first meeting, Ava agrees to take Kalyna's case with the understanding that she'll assist as much as possible given that the Air Force is handling this in their own way, not making it a civilian police case.  Ava would love to take ever single case that walked into her office, and she's having a hard time remaining unbiased as Kalyna relives the night she was raped.  But in all honesty, this one is going to be a bear just for the single fact that she'd be advocating for one of the Air Force's own, and they'll do anything to keep a lid on this.  Things get even dicier once Ava starts investigating Kalyna and Luke and finds that all is not what it seems on the surface.

As a thriller, The Perfect Liar does just that.  I love sick, twisted baddies in my thrillers and romantic suspenses, and Brenda Novak concocted a doozey in this one.  It becomes obvious just how innocent Luke is in all of this pretty early on in the book, and from there a vivid picture of stalking and obsession is painted of just how much Kalyna wants him.  Disturbing, but page-turning.  I thought Ms. Novak had dreamed up sick-o's in The Perfect Couple, but she's a talent for writing deviant characters.  I would've been satisfied without the romance between Luke and Ava which, of course, builds during a time when one wouldn't be out searching for their One True Love.  But of course, that's the definition of romantic suspense (or even Lifetime suspense movies, for that matter), scare the snot out of the reader, and then make 'em feel better with a love story.  *shrug*

Will I chalk TPL up with with my favorite book of all times?  Eh, not so much.  I liked it enough to read it in two days, but it was honestly the suspense that drove this book.  It makes me think that Brenda Novak could easily turn to straight mystery thrillers and not skip a beat.  I could see her pulling a Tami Hoag or Linda Castillo, who both easily stepped from contemporary and category romance to straight suspense and are, in my opinion, better than ever, which is saying a lot since I've loved many of their earlier books.

So, if I were to be asked what stood out for me in this book besides the baddie, it would have to be Ava.  Her life hasn't been the easiest, given that her mother is in jail for attempted murder, but she's gone the distance to get where she is now and loves what she does.  I identified with Ava not for her less-than-picture-perfect family, but for her own self opinion.  Once her attraction for Luke begins to grow, it's her knee jerk reaction to immediately think that he'd never see anything more in her than a way out of his current situation, which, admittedly, sucks right now.  In other words, he's hot, and she's not - or so she thinks.

With Luke, well....he's hot.  And he's honestly a great guy who's lurved by everybodddyy.  He's the knight in shining armor, flies fighter jets, pays his bills on time, has a great relationship with his parents, and acts on most decisions after only heavily weighing the consequences (jury's still out on why he ended up in Kalyna's bed, but then we wouldn't have had a story).  And he's younger than Ava.  For me, that sums him up.  I recognized him as a character, the hero at that, but couldn't get too emotionally invested in him.  Ava rang more true to me, and of course we all now know how I felt about Kalyna.

I'd have to rate this book in two ways -- C+/B- for the romance, but a strong A for the thriller/baddie angle.                 

      

Mesmerizing Stranger: Better Late Than Never TBR Review

I got a little off-track with finishing up January's TBR Challenge book and meant to have this up on Friday, two days late.  Instead, it's Sunday, a lazy one at that, and I'm just now getting around to it.  If I wasn't a champion at procrastination, I don't know what I'd be. 

Mesmerizing Stranger, Jennifer Greene
New Man in Town series, book 2

Harm Connolly wants to leave his bad history with women on terra firma.  Two weeks of business on a cruise would help accomplish that.  First complication: the sexiest woman he's ever met is on board the vessel.  Second complicaiton: a dead body -- one of his associates.

Adventure chef Cate Campbell knows his type -- arrogant corporate hotshot, taking his guys out for some R & R.  No problem.  She'll have Harm eating out of her hand in seconds flat.  No problem ...until a killer on the loose forces her to find safety and comfort in his arms.  Will mayhem at sea throw any chance of romance overboard?

I'm not quite sure how I wound up picking this book, or even adding it to my TBR.  I'm not usually a follower of the formerly titled Silhouette Romantic Suspense (couched now as Harlequin RS) line, but I'm sure the back blurb's description of the heroine (adventure chef) had something to do with it.  I love anything to do with cooking, am a devout subscriber to Food Network and its magazine, and think Tyler Florence is a hottie, so there you go.

I don't have any huge plot dislikes when it comes to my reading, although I typically stay away from secret baby books.  Not sure why, I've never read any that I hated, but I've also not read any that I lurved.  I'm taking a quickie route with this review and, since I've included the back blurb that apparently piqued my interest, I won't even try a plot summary.  The back cover describes the plot succinctly, but I try and provide some filler.   

Mesmerizing Stranger is a neatly written romance, tied up with a pretty little bow.  Almost too neatly.  Maybe it was the length of the book, but I sometimes have a hard time buying into a HEA within just over 200 pages.  Sometimes it just never seems enough time for the hero and heroine to work out all the kinks in a new relationship.  I'm not sure that's the fault of the author, since I did like Harm and Cate - I just think it's one of my many quirks; I like to see fictional folks experience a little more angst and emotional uncertainty.  Harm was almost too froggy to fall head over heels in love with Cate, and she's a bit gun-shy.  Given that she and her sisters (the other two heroines with their own stories in the series, Secretive Stranger and Irresistible Stranger) had grown up in foster homes after their parent died in a fire, I can see why Cate carried her own Samsonite baggage.

The suspense in Mesmerizing Stranger is a bit lukewarm, but enough to have carried me through the end of the book.  There's a very small cast of secondary characters who could all fit the bill for the bad guy, mainly all employees in Harm's newly-inherited pharmaceutical/research company.  The cruise described above is not a pleasure cruise, per se, but a desperate attempt for Harm to reconnect with his employees.  Maybe they can put their heads together and figure out who has stolen and cashed in on the cure for pancreatic cancer Harm's uncle had been so close to before he'd died.  And on a ship, there's not many places the guilty party can hide.

As a whole, if I were going to rate the book, I'd say it's somewhere within B- territory.  What really kept me turning the pages was the sense of dark coziness on an Alaskan small vessel cruise and Cate's love for her work (I'm a culinary suck-up!).  Those both stood out for me almost more than the story and romance.  It's enough for me to look up the other two books in the series which I think in itself is an accomplishment for many authors.  If one book whet your appetite for others written by her, then that's success in and of itself.        

    

 

2011/2012, The Final Countdown

The holidays are finally over -- hallelujah!  A new year has begun -- hell to the yeah!

What would usually be my most favorite time of the year wound up being....well, rough.  Oh, I spent some much needed, and very cherished, time with John's family and my newly-realized chosen family of close friends here in SC, but what I thought would be an easier holiday to go through alone, given that John nearly abhorred Christmas, was an emotional wreck for me.  Everything made me cry.  His birthday, December 19th, was the absolute worst day for me in a while.  I began the day shopping for an adopted family we'd chosen at work who desperately needed help with Christmas gifts, and that part was good; I felt like I was doing something good.  From there it went down hill with the amount of time I spent crying, the torrential headache that resulted from aforementioned crying, and the realization that while I see almost daily that he's still watching over me and remains in my life in a very strong way, John's not coming back.

Amy, meet the big pill you need to swallow.  Big pill, Amy.

So when I went into work this past weekend, it was with baited breath and a mental countdown of the final hours of the Worst Year That Has Ever Happened To Me, when a new leaf could be turned.  I didn't even pack my lunch to take to work.  I had enough baggage already.  And when 12:01 a.m. struck, I saluted 2011 very properly (given that I couldn't take a swig of some hard liquor):  I flipped it off and finally got to tell '11 to kiss my ass.  If I'd been savvy enough, I would've taken my very worn cassette tape of Europe's '80s epic hit, The Final Countdown, in with me and blasted it from whatever player I could find in the hospital.  I'm sure there is a more apropos song that I could've come up with, but trust me, Europe's epic hit (hey, it was epic to me way back when) was racing through my head.  I love mental soundtracks.  

So, yeah, 2011...it's over.  I've always tried to look to each new year on a positive note, but this one was different.  It was like at least 8 pounds being lifted off of my shoulders.  There's still about 92 left sitting there, but progress!  Even while I was waiting for 2012 to arrive, it was glaringly obvious to me that '11 was the final year that I'd known my husband, the last one we spent together even if it was only for half of it.  There's always two sides to every coin, and this one I'm going to have to continue fiddling with.  Everyone's got issues, this is mine.

***************************** 

On a brighter note, I've been reading.  Alot.  I've not thinned out the TBR in great strides, but I've made some dents that I just haven't talked about.  I even read a handful of Christmas-themed historical romances and apologize to the library patron that was in line for delaying her hold on Victoria Alexander's His Mistress By Christmas.  I turned it in a day late and that was after having it over the two-week lending time because I'd gotten ahold of it just two weeks before Christmas, and with the library being closed for the holiday weekend, I had a couple freebie days tacked on due to their closure (I love long, complex sentences too).  Trust me, the library loves me some days.

Now that I've gotten all that off of my chest, I'm going back to the Gator Bowl and some couch-time before I hit Wal-Mart to get my requisite collard greens and black-eyed peas. Even if Ohio State has their collective asses handed to them by the damned Gators,  it's gonna be a good day, Tater.               

 

Micah's A Fashionista!

I've taken to dressing my dog up and channeling her stylish maven.  So far, she's eating it up and, honest-to-God, prissies and preens whenever I put a sweater or outfit on her.  Many people have asked me how John would feel about that, and it's my utter and true belief that he'd hate it.  But I'm sure he's getting a chuckle out of it from wherever he's watching over us from.  Or rolling his eyes...

Doing the catwalk...

Ze bling.  She likes...

Was trying to go for a profile here, but she turned her back on me.

  

Life Is Going On

I'm not going to get all morose and glum today.  That's the mantra I keep saying to myself just about every day - or at least some approximate variation of that statement.  These days I'm focusing on forming a shortish list of things I want to do or that I'd like to try.  Tennis lessons is topping that list lately.  I had another session with the therapist yesterday and found out she's a supporter of the sport, as well as a player.  She once again mentioned a name that's big here in town for adult begginner lessons, so that may be my objective this fall.  Oh, I definitely won't be the next Sam Stosur or even Melanie Oudin, but I'd like to do more than get into the televised matches from the safety of my own couch.  Hell, I don't know what I'm thinking -- 39 years old (not ancient, I know - but definitely not at an age where the WTA is going to discover its next star) and having thoughts of tennis lessons.  Gah!  It's like the perfect conglomeration of the Real Housewives Meets....well, Kathy Bates, except without the extra moulah to buy me the latest fashion in tennis gear.

But that's where my thoughts are these days.

I've also spent a bit of time catching up on some flicks I've borrowed from the library.  Just last night I finally watched The King's Speech and was just amazed at the awesomeness of that movie.  I've never been a huge Colin Firth fan, but I could easily become one.  And I've always had love in my heart for Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter.  I love studying and reading about the various British monarchies, so I'm surprised it took me this long to see the film.  Definitely a must-see if you're an Anglophile.  I also borrowed Elizabeth I, starring Helen Mirren and Jeremy Irons.  While I could've done without some of the gorier moments (yeah, the Tudors were sort of known for their apparent blood thirst, but it was a sign of the times, I guess), I thought it was a very well-done movie and Mirren plays a very convincing older Elizabeth I.

Let's see, what else can I add to complete the cycle of boredom of the post?  Oh yeah, I'm reading more these days, which has been a very welcome enjoyment these days.  While I'm not exactly plowing through stacks of books, I'm making a decent dent in my TBR and wishlists via the library.  I do love the electronic library, Overdrive, so it's been a big ease on my wallet to get some of the newest hardbacks for my Nook from that service.  Prey by Linda Howard and The Ideal Man by Julie Garwood are two that I just finished recently, and I'll have to put TIM at the top of that two book list as the better one.  I know many Garwood fans are not so endeared with her suspense voice, but I don't mind it so much.  The Ideal Man was probably one of her better ones, imo.  I liked Prey, but wasn't over the moon about it.  It's termed as a romantic suspense I guess, but I felt that there was a lot more of the "I hate you, but I want you" and "We're running for our lives, so let's have sex!" in there than necessary.  Although, I've got to give Howard credit -- she can write a helluva bear-bent-on-carnage scene.

So there's a look into what I'm doing these days, and how I'm doing it.  I've become a pretty popular person, I guess, and have had a mess of visitors, not least of which was my sister and her boyfriend.  We had a great week and it was good to be able to spend an entire 6 days with her, with nothing to do but decide what store we were hitting first.  I'm looking forward to future visits with her since we'd kinda gotten off track with all the upheaval in her life (a divorce).

Hell, I think my vacuum cleaner is calling me.  It drives me crazy if I don't sweep once a week, or more, nowadays.  I know John's 'up there' rolling his eyes...                    

Where Amy Veers A Little Off the Norm...

I've been talking to a counselor for the past two weeks.  There, I said it -- I'm seeking "professional help".  I've always been a believer in 'talking it out' even though, until now, I've never done so myself.  At first when I started this early last week, I was a bit skeptical.  How in the hell would an unbiased person be able to give me the skills to get through this hellishness?  I'm seeing the light, folks.  While I'm no where near "cured" -- I mean, really, it's been only over a month since John's death -- I do feel like I'm doing something positive and not sitting around home, feeling sorry for myself and Micah, getting shitfaced to block out the pain, and overdosing on cookies and whatever comfort food is at hand.  Before setting up these sessions, I talked to a couple of friends who have seen counselors for various reasons, and for the most part they seriously advocate the importance of it.  The reasons I've heard are mainly that it gives you a "safe place" to talk about what's going on with you and to vent to a person who wasn't or isn't directly involved in whatever personal tragedy you're experiencing now.  My hesitation was that I don't generally like talking about myself a whole lot ( 'it's all about me', holla!), and I abhor crying in front of strangers, let alone close friends and family.  To me, crying is a weakness that I have a hard time showing -- so I tend to do it behind closed doors.  Plus, I usually get a massive headache afterwards, my eyes get all swollen, red, and squinty, and my sinuses sound like I'm trying to breath through swamp muck.  So far, I've burned through 1 1/2 boxes of Kleenex in her office and that's in just 2 sessions.

Today's session really had me talking in a vein that I didn't picture.  Sure, these thoughts have been in my head and I've gnashed my teeth about them once or twice...but I never imagined sharing them with the counselor.  First, if one more person asks how I'm doing -- I may wind up on the 6 o'clock news.  Seriously.  C'mon, people (not bloglandia people, but immediate people I deal with at work and at the store, etc)!  My husband, the love of my life, just died.  How the EFF do you think I'm feeling???  Peachy keen?  Fan-effin'-tabulous?  Seriously, it's a dumb question, but one that I know is heartfelt or, for lack of better words, is filler for those people who don't know what else to say.

The other thing that's getting my goat is -- the Bible thumpers.  Now I am a Christian and I do believe and love God.  But right now I'm pretty pissed off at him.  I tend to couch it in a "I'm not speaking to Him right now" kinda comparison.  Down here in the Bible Belt, there's the Blue Law, BBQ, country music, sweet tea, and church on any given day of the week.  So yeah, God is a big thing down here, and people here feel it's their duty to express to me that John had a higher calling and there was some reason why God felt it necessary for him to go on and seek greener pastures, as it were, or that "he's in a much better place now".  Well, I'm sorry -- I'm not good with that.  I am not thrilled that John died at the young age of 46 years old, less than a year after we had gotten married, and we never got to go to England like we'd always dreamt about, or that I won't be able to grow old with him.  All of that was taken from me.  I won't go off any further about this in this post because I've been thinking about it this evening, and accept that my friends and co-workers mean well with all of this.  Maybe it makes them feel like they're doing something by wanting to have prayer with me, or expound on God's plan for us all.  But when I tell them that I'm pissed off at Him right now, they act as if I've slapped their child.  How dare I?!

But in talking with another friend/co-worker and my mom tonight -- I found out that I'm actually normal; it's ok to get pissed off.  How scary is that?  As a kid, I used to be petrified of the idea of getting mad at God because, uh yeah, he could get mad right back at me and that might not be so pretty.  And what's weird is that when I read that the anger stage of grief is one of the processes, I felt like it meant that I would be angry with John for up and dying on me.  I never knew that the anger would extend to those who are doing nothing more than wanting to see me get better.  People want to help, and sometimes this is the only way they can.

SO...having said all that.  The point of this post, if I ever had one, was...damn, I'm glad I'm on medication right now.